"Lord, I feel like I am not doing enough for your kingdom and I need to know how I can be more diligent"
"I no longer call you servant, but friend."
"Yeah, I know Lord, but there are some decisions I need to make about my time and your work and..."
"Tricia, you are my friend. I have come to dine with you, and I'd like to just sit here awhile and enjoy your company, but you keep getting up to do the dishes."
As I read those words, I suddenly had an epiphany of sorts, which I want to share, but first I have a confession to make. I haven't enjoyed my focus on 'living intentionally' these first six months of 2010 and if I'm honest, haven't been very successful at the whole thing. For several days I've been frustrated at this, asking the Lord why it wasn't going so well, when I felt confident He had led me on this venture. He wasn't answering, that is, until I found the old journal entry.
So here was the epiphany: I've been focusing on being intentional about the wrong thing. For me, being intentional has meant trying to make the most of each day, looking for opportunities to accomplish the Lord's purposes -- from conversations to finances to time management and beyond. Now there's nothing inherently wrong in this, but somewhere in the process I slipped slightly off course and the things I felt I needed to do became front and center. What I really needed was to be intentional about pressing into my intimacy with Jesus, and letting everything else flow out of that.
This is so basic you'd think I'd have it down by now, but there you have it. I have had the cart before the horse, so to speak, and I suspect some of you have done the same thing.
As I've looked at 2010 and compared it to 2009, I realized that when I was passionate about learning how to 'live loved', I knew the joy of Jesus' presence, of His desire to be with me, and as a result, was eager to walk with Him throughout each day, looking for His hand, experiencing His heart. And in the process, I ended up being far more intentional than I've been this year, when I've been trying so hard to be intentional.
So here is my commitment for the next six months of 2010: I am going to be as intentional as I can to dine with Christ --to walk with Him, enjoy His presence, learn of His heart and feast on the riches of His grace. And as I do, perhaps all those areas of my life that I've purposed to put under His control, will find a more natural fit.
My step is lighter today and I feel like I've thrown off a nagging weight. We are leaving today for a week on the Northern California coast where there will be no cell phone coverage and limited internet. I plan to put my new resolution into practice as I stand on the rocky cliffs and gaze out at the sea. I can't wait. I'll let you know how it went when I come back -- until then, I hope you can rest a little easier too and enjoy being intentional about knowing Jesus.